As you know from my last couple posts, I am in mourning. I am brokenhearted. I am grieving. This is hard, so hard. This is the absolute worst thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. I know people say that a lot, “this is the worst day of my life.” And a lot of times it was just a bad day, not necessarily the worst. I am sure I have said that, but never fully meant it. But this time, I do mean it. I cannot think of any other time in my life where I was this hurt, this broken, this sad. Infertility is not easy. Miscarriage is not easy. Miscarriage after infertility is definitely not easy.
I expect my next several posts to be about mourning and grieving, just because that’s the state of mind that I am in. I obviously want to feel better and find that joy again, but right now, I’m not OK.
We have a lot of people praying for us right now, which is amazing because I haven’t been able to muster up the words to say to God. I have talked to him and I think it’s just been rambling. I am not even sure if my words made sense. I know that God can decipher them. Thank goodness! But I just don’t know what else to say. I’m angry. Angry at God, angry at the doctors, angry at my body. I don’t like being angry. It’s leading to confusion and more tears. I am trying to rely on the Word to get me through. I am still working on this. I am a work in progress. I am still working on reading the words on the page and accepting that they are meant for me and allowing myself to calm down from them. I want the words to find peace in my heart so I can being to heal.
I googled “what does the Bible say about grief?” and I found 13 good passages. This is a good one. Short and sweet: He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. That comes from Psalm 147:3. He is the only one that will heal this. I know that they say “time will heal.” Yes, maybe, but God. God can and God WILL. In time! So I guess that saying IS true that time will heal, but let’s add something to that. Let’s make it read….”time will heal…with God!” He’ll bind up my wounds and make me feel whole again. I know he’ll make sure I never forget my angels and he’ll take care of them for me until I get to heaven. Even though I’ll miss may babies and will always honor them, God will allow me to do so without continuous mourning. Missing is OK, mourning is OK, I just don’t want to keep crying. I want to just be OK. I want to be able to know and accept that this is what was meant for us and that these babies were meant for the Lord and not for me and Rob.I have to allow God to work in me and through me to be able to fully heal. I will never not cry over them again. I know I will. We plan to honor them every year on September 25. And perhaps again on their due date. Will I cry those days? Yes, probably so, but hopefully it’ll be a joyful cry as I celebrate their lives in heaven.
What I am getting at is, I don’t want that hurting cry. I want my heart to be mended and for my mind to be able to know that this is what God chose for us and this is just part of the path he has us on. I may not like it, but as long as I accept that God has our best interest in us, then I will be OK.
So, please pray for us and with us as we continue to heal and allow God to bind up our wounds. The wounds of our hearts! We know that Baby Tank is still coming, that doesn’t mean this is any less hard!
I’m finding that joy! Life is meant to be celebrated!