I haven’t written in a while as I haven’t really felt lead to write something. I wanted to write about our recent frozen embryo transfer cycle, but we have been purposely hush-hush about this cycle as a way to guard our hearts. We wanted to be able to accept whatever the outcome was. Here’s a timeline of what’s been going on.
8/22/17: Frozen embryo transfer. 2 embryos transferred. All went well.
9/1/17: Beta #1….called me early 10:30am. 818!! It’s positive! We’re pregnant!!
9/5/17: Beta #2…they made me wait. Called me at 1:30pm. Beta is 4,790!!! Definitely solidifies our BFP!
9/9/17: Beta #3:…didn’t call until 3:00pm. ARGH. haha 20,087!! Definitely pregnant!! Maybe both stuck!!! Scheduled first scan for 9/21/17!
This evening, I began spotting a bit. Called the after-hours on-call number. It was Dr. Groll. He said there is nothing to worry about as bleeding and spotting is very common in early pregnancy. Gave me some things to look for.
9/11/17: I had jury duty, so I was a bit stressed out. I had heavier bleeding that afternoon. Rob called doctor’s office, spoke with Jordan, the PA…she again said to not worry. To ease our mind, she had scheduled us to come in a bit earlier to check things out.
9/13/17: First scan! 6 weeks! Both babies are in there!!!! Praise Jesus! They had nice strong heartbeats. 101 and 108! Perfect. Doctor wanted them to be in the low 100s! I am bawling. I’m pregnant. This is such a weird and surreal moment!
Later this evening I had heavier bleeding again, however, they said it was to be expected after my exam and to just watch for extreme pain or soaking through an entire pad in an hour.
Had a pretty good weekend. Our original 7-week scan is still scheduled. We told Rob’s mom by giving her a “grandma gift”. She was ecstatic. I had some more heavier bleeding on Sunday. We called Jordan and again, she said nothing to worry about.
9/21/17: 7 weeks +1 day scan. Things don’t look so good. One baby has always been shadowed by the other, so it’s been hard to see, but doc could still get a decent read. They had grown, just not very much, and not to where they should be at 7 weeks. He found cardiac activity on both, but one’s heart rate had gone down to 70 to 80 and the other, the one shadowed, had very sporadic beats. We are worried. I’m trying to fight back tears. Doc is somber and says he’s guarded and to come back on Monday (this was Thursday). Thought maybe we were dealing with just a vanishing twin, but still could not determine what was going to be the outcome of this pregnancy. We were worried, but tried to still remain hopeful. Rob was so strong and kept reminding me that I was pregnant with twins.
9/25/17: 7 weeks +5 days. Our worse nightmare! This was a quick exam. Rob is standing next to me. Normally he stood behind doc to see the screen better. I wanted him next to me. Nurse Debbie is standing behind him. I heard her sniffling and saw her grab a tissue. If the nurse is crying…this isn’t good. I’m looking at the ceiling, I couldn’t look at the screen. I never know what I’m looking at, but I just knew it probably wasn’t good. Rob’s face doesn’t look good. Doc is talking quietly, as if to himself, I’m not even sure what he said exactly. He then had me sit back up and I just started bawling. Rob as bawling. Our babies had no heartbeats. We had lost them. Devastating. Heartbreaking. I didn’t know what to say. Or how to react. I got dressed. We met with doc in his office. I am numb. I had no idea what he was even saying. He gave us options on how to miscarry. Naturally, medication or a D&C. He talked about some other things that can happen in the mean time. He says after I miscarry and allow my body to heal, we could try again as early as November.
This is frustrating. We still have 3 embryos left…but no money. We may have to wait until after the new year so we can use bonus money. We just don’t know. We need to process this loss. Doctor said that perhaps it was because we had two in there. Maybe my body is not conducive to carrying twins. One was always shadowed, so perhaps when we were losing that one, the other was grabbing everything they could to survive and just didn’t make it.
Rob and I opted for the D&C option. It’s a surgical procedure where they remove the fetal tissue. Going this route, we are able to get genetics testing as well. I did not want to do this naturally. He said it’s very unpredictable as to when it would happen. I can’t imagine being in pain and all that bleeding. Just watching my babies come out of me. Would I flush them? What would it feel like? As bad as it sounds…I just wanted to get it over with so that we could move on. RE suggested calling my OB as she could probably get us in sooner than he could seeing as how he doesn’t have much time in the surgery center.
9/27/17: Had a D&C consult with our OB, Dr. Crawford. We are new to this practice. We had not met this doctor before. She was sweet. Gave us the run down and all the details. She also answered our questions. She was very sympathetic and understanding. She is able to get us in the next day as she’s on call at the hospital.
9/28/17: Surgery day! I’m a nervous wreck as I hate surgery and going under anesthesia. Plus, the reason for the surgery made it even worse. Knowing that when I woke up, I would no longer be pregnant. Even though the babies had gained their angel wings, they were still inside me, I could still say I was pregnant. I cried all morning. With every nurse who came in and offered their condolences. They were so kind and sympathetic. Dr. Crawford came in and talked to us. I cried. Rob started crying. I hate to see him hurting like this. I go back for surgery. Everything goes well..all things considered. Doc said that it looks like I was going to start miscarrying naturally, so it’s good that we got this done so soon.
Now I sit here today, Friday, 9/29/17. Not even 24 hours removed from my surgery. I’m not sure what to think. I just opened FB and saw a good friend’s pregnancy announcement…their 3rd. Her first baby was an IVF baby and her 2nd was natural as I am assuming this one is too. Of course, I’m happy for them, it’s just a hard thing to see today. Grieving is hard. I grieved my last 2 losses, but those were chemical pregnancies. I didn’t make it past about week 4 to maybe 5. I never made it to the heartbeat phase. And the embryos kind of just went away or came out through my “period”. Those were hard, but not like this.
I am confused, angry, heartbroken. I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know why these babies were taken from us. I don’t know when our time will be. I don’t know why we can’t have babies. These are all questions that I probably won’t know the answers to on this side of heaven. I was mad at God. I’ve talked to him a bit in the last few days. I know I’ll be ok with Him again. I’ll “forgive” Him. Can we forgive, God? haha I may not know why he didn’t let us keep these babies, but I just have to trust that he has bigger plans for us. I guess this is making our story richer. I would rather my story end here that we could tell the world and rejoice that we’re still pregnant with twins, but for whatever reason, this wasn’t our time.
I am working on trusting that God has our story written and we just have to let it go to Him and follow the path he lead us down. I don’t get it now, I don’t know if I ever will, but right now, I’m hurting. I’ll make it through, we both will, it will just take time.
Pray for us!