Psalm 147:3 He Heals the Brokenhearted

As you know from my last couple posts, I am in mourning. I am brokenhearted. I am grieving. This is hard, so hard. This is the absolute worst thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. I know people say that a lot, “this is the worst day of my life.” And a lot of times it was just a bad day, not necessarily the worst. I am sure I have said that, but never fully meant it. But this time, I do mean it. I cannot think of any other time in my life where I was this hurt, this broken, this sad. Infertility is not easy. Miscarriage is not easy. Miscarriage after infertility is definitely not easy.

I expect my next several posts to be about mourning and grieving, just because that’s the state of mind that I am in. I obviously want to feel better and find that joy again, but right now, I’m not OK.

We have a lot of people praying for us right now, which is amazing because I haven’t been able to muster up the words to say to God. I have talked to him and I think it’s just been rambling. I am not even sure if my words made sense. I know that God can decipher them. Thank goodness! But I just don’t know what else to say. I’m angry. Angry at God, angry at the doctors, angry at my body. I don’t like being angry. It’s leading to confusion and more tears. I am trying to rely on the Word to get me through. I am still working on this. I am a work in progress. I am still working on reading the words on the page and accepting that they are meant for me and allowing myself to calm down from them. I want the words to find peace in my heart so I can being to heal.

I googled “what does the Bible say about grief?” and I found 13 good passages. This is a good one. Short and sweet: He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. That comes from Psalm 147:3. He is the only one that will heal this. I know that they say “time will heal.” Yes, maybe, but God. God can and God WILL. In time! So I guess that saying IS true that time will heal, but let’s add something to that. Let’s make it read….”time will heal…with God!” He’ll bind up my wounds and make me feel whole again. I know he’ll make sure I never forget my angels and he’ll take care of them for me until I get to heaven. Even though I’ll miss may babies and will always honor them, God will allow me to do so without continuous mourning. Missing is OK, mourning is OK, I just don’t want to keep crying. I want to just be OK. I want to be able to know and accept that this is what was meant for us and that these babies were meant for the Lord and not for me and Rob.I have to allow God to work in me and through me to be able to fully heal. I will never not cry over them again. I know I will. We plan to honor them every year on September 25. And perhaps again on their due date. Will I cry those days? Yes, probably so, but hopefully it’ll be a joyful cry as I celebrate their lives in heaven.

What I am getting at is, I don’t want that hurting cry. I want my heart to be mended and for my mind to be able to know that this is what God chose for us and this is just part of the path he has us on. I may not like it, but as long as I accept that God has our best interest in us, then I will be OK.

So, please pray for us and with us as we continue to heal and allow God to bind up our wounds. The wounds of our hearts! We know that Baby Tank is still coming, that doesn’t mean this is any less hard!

I’m finding that joy! Life is meant to be celebrated!

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A Letter to Our Angel Babies

A few months back, I wrote a letter to the embryos we lost in our 2nd chemical pregnancy. I thought that was so hard. It was. I will not devalue the feelings we had, but I still held hope. This loss we experienced last week has been by far THE hardest thing I have ever faced. Living, heart beating babies, in my womb, that I couldn’t keep. So, here are my thoughts to my babies, and I pray that God allows them to hear and understand these words.

Dear Precious Angels:

To my twin Tanks. That’s what were going to call you while you were in Mommy’s belly. We were going to refer to you as the #TwinTanks as a cute little way to identify you. We don’t know yet if you were boys or girls, I am not sure if we will ever know that information. Mommy had genetics testing done after the doctors removed you from my womb last week. That test could tell us your genders, however, no matter what your genders were, please know that Mommy and Daddy loved and still do love you so much. We only had you for a short time, but we were already so in love. Mommy held you in her womb for a few short weeks. We heard your heart beats. They were nice and strong, beating healthy! You made Mommy feel sick a few times, but I was ok with that. It made me know that you were in there and were healthy and growing. Mommy and Daddy talked about all the things we wanted to do. How we wanted to set up your nursery, how we would announce you were arriving to our families and friends, what we would name you and all of the fun things we would do with you when you were born. Precious angels, we wanted you more than you will ever know. We have been trying to become a mommy and daddy for over 7 years. You may not have a concept of how long that is in heaven, but on earth, that is a long time. You have some embryo siblings that we believe went to heaven. They weren’t meant to become babies in Mommy’s belly, so they went straight to heaven. If you see them, please hug them and get to know them.

Angels, please know that we will never forget you! Of course we will still try to work on giving you an earthly sibling, and we trust that you will watch over us as we go through that process. Help us to always remember you and to give honor to you. You would have been due around April 18 since you were twins. That is a day we will honor and remember always! September 25, 2017 is the day we were told that you had lost your lives. I apologize, sweethearts, if you suffered at all. I never wanted you to be hurting or grasping for breath. Mommy would never do anything to have intentionally hurt you. I hope you were happy and warm while you were with us and I hope that I made a good home for you in your short little lives.

Mommy and Daddy are grieving hard right now. We never thought we would lose you. We were overjoyed when we found out you were finally coming and to have two of you was even a bigger blessing. We thought our wait was finally over. That our day to become parents was finally here. But God had other plans. I guess he needed and wanted you more than we did. I am not sure if that is true as we wanted you SO badly! I am not sure if God was protecting us because one or both of you would have been sick or had another issue, but please know, that we would have loved you so much, no matter how you would have come to us. We never got to hold you or see you, but we imagined you two. We dreamed of what you would look like and what kind of personality you would have. We may never know that, but we can imagine you being that way in heaven.

So, sweet babes, please look over us as we continue to grieve. Help us to remember to always be happy and joyful and to not always be sad over you, but to celebrate the short life you had. Please be with us as we work on getting our earthly baby and your earthly sibling. And I ask that when that earthly baby comes, you please watch over them as well and help us to always talk with them about you two so that they  can honor you as well. You two don’t have names, maybe that’s something we’ll give you later, if not, you’ll forever be known as the #TankTwins. We will make sure your legacy lives on and to make sure that we never forget you. I don’t want an anniversary to go by without us acknowleding you. I am not sure what that will look like yet, but all I know is that you will be honored and never forgotten.

Snuggle up there in heaven and enjoy your time with the Lord. We will meet again someday. Until then, get to know your great grandmothers, your Grandpa Tank and all other family members that went to heaven. We love you and miss you so much, sweet babies. I will never forget you.

In my heart always,

Your mother forever!

Our Fertility Update

I haven’t written in a while as I haven’t really felt lead to write something. I wanted to write about our recent frozen embryo transfer cycle, but we have been purposely hush-hush about this cycle as a way to guard our hearts. We wanted to be able to accept whatever the outcome was. Here’s a timeline of what’s been going on.

8/22/17: Frozen embryo transfer. 2 embryos transferred. All went well.

9/1/17: Beta #1….called me early 10:30am. 818!! It’s positive! We’re pregnant!!

9/5/17: Beta #2…they made me wait. Called me at 1:30pm. Beta is 4,790!!! Definitely solidifies our BFP!

9/9/17: Beta #3:…didn’t call until 3:00pm. ARGH. haha 20,087!! Definitely pregnant!! Maybe both stuck!!! Scheduled first scan for 9/21/17!

This evening, I began spotting a bit. Called the after-hours on-call number. It was Dr. Groll. He said there is nothing to worry about as bleeding and spotting is very common in early pregnancy. Gave me some things to look for.

9/11/17: I had jury duty, so I was a bit stressed out. I had heavier bleeding that afternoon. Rob called doctor’s office, spoke with Jordan, the PA…she again said to not worry. To ease our mind, she had scheduled us to come in a bit earlier to check things out.

9/13/17: First scan! 6 weeks! Both babies are in there!!!! Praise Jesus! They had nice strong heartbeats. 101 and 108! Perfect. Doctor wanted them to be in the low 100s! I am bawling. I’m pregnant. This is such a weird and surreal moment!

Later this evening I had heavier bleeding again, however, they said it was to be expected after my exam and to just watch for extreme pain or soaking through an entire pad in an hour.

Had a pretty good weekend. Our original 7-week scan is still scheduled. We told Rob’s mom by giving her a “grandma gift”. She was ecstatic. I had some more heavier bleeding on Sunday. We called Jordan and again, she said nothing to worry about.

9/21/17: 7 weeks +1 day scan. Things don’t look so good. One baby has always been shadowed by the other, so it’s been hard to see, but doc could still get a decent read. They had grown, just not very much, and not to where they should be at 7 weeks. He found cardiac activity on both, but one’s heart rate had gone down to 70 to 80 and the other, the one shadowed, had very sporadic beats. We are worried. I’m trying to fight back tears. Doc is somber and says he’s guarded and to come back on Monday (this was Thursday). Thought maybe we were dealing with just a vanishing twin, but still could not determine what was going to be the outcome of this pregnancy. We were worried, but tried to still remain hopeful. Rob was so strong and kept reminding me that I was pregnant with twins.

9/25/17: 7 weeks +5 days. Our worse nightmare! This was a quick exam. Rob is standing next to me. Normally he stood behind doc to see the screen better. I wanted him next to me. Nurse Debbie is standing behind him. I heard her sniffling and saw her grab a tissue. If the nurse is crying…this isn’t good. I’m looking at the ceiling, I couldn’t look at the screen. I never know what I’m looking at, but I just knew it probably wasn’t good. Rob’s face doesn’t look good. Doc is talking quietly, as if to himself, I’m not even sure what he said exactly. He then had me sit back up and I just started bawling. Rob as bawling. Our babies had no heartbeats. We had lost them. Devastating. Heartbreaking. I didn’t know what to say. Or how to react. I got dressed. We met with doc in his office. I am numb. I had no idea what he was even saying. He gave us options on how to miscarry. Naturally, medication or a D&C. He talked about some other things that can happen in the mean time. He says after I miscarry and allow my body to heal, we could try again as early as November.

This is frustrating. We still have 3 embryos left…but no money. We may have to wait until after the new year so we can use bonus money. We just don’t know. We need to process this loss. Doctor said that perhaps it was because we had two in there. Maybe my body is not conducive to carrying twins. One was always shadowed, so perhaps when we were losing that one, the other was grabbing everything they could to survive and just didn’t make it.

Rob and I opted for the D&C option. It’s a surgical procedure where they remove the fetal tissue. Going this route, we are able to get genetics testing as well. I did not want to do this naturally. He said it’s very unpredictable as to when it would happen. I can’t imagine being in pain and all that bleeding. Just watching my babies come out of me. Would I flush them? What would it feel like? As bad as it sounds…I just wanted to get it over with so that we could move on. RE suggested calling my OB as she could probably get us in sooner than he could seeing as how he doesn’t have much time in the surgery center.

9/27/17: Had a D&C consult with our OB, Dr. Crawford. We are new to this practice. We had not met this doctor before. She was sweet. Gave us the run down and all the details. She also answered our questions. She was very sympathetic and understanding. She is able to get us in the next day as she’s on call at the hospital.

9/28/17: Surgery day! I’m a nervous wreck as I hate surgery and going under anesthesia. Plus, the reason for the surgery made it even worse. Knowing that when I woke up, I would no longer be pregnant. Even though the babies had gained their angel wings, they were still inside me, I could still say I was pregnant. I cried all morning. With every nurse who came in and offered their condolences. They were so kind and sympathetic. Dr. Crawford came in and talked to us. I cried. Rob started crying. I hate to see him hurting like this. I go back for surgery. Everything goes well..all things considered. Doc said that it looks like I was going to start miscarrying naturally, so it’s good that we got this done so soon.

Now I sit here today, Friday, 9/29/17. Not even 24 hours removed from my surgery. I’m not sure what to think. I just opened FB and saw a good friend’s pregnancy announcement…their 3rd. Her first baby was an IVF baby and her 2nd was natural as I am assuming this one is too. Of course, I’m happy for them, it’s just a hard thing to see today. Grieving is hard. I grieved my last 2 losses, but those were chemical pregnancies. I didn’t make it past about week 4 to maybe 5. I never made it to the heartbeat phase. And the embryos kind of just went away or came out through my “period”. Those were hard, but not like this.

I am confused, angry, heartbroken. I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know why these babies were taken from us. I don’t know when our time will be. I don’t know why we can’t have babies. These are all questions that I probably won’t know the answers to on this side of heaven. I was mad at God. I’ve talked to him a bit in the last few days. I know I’ll be ok with Him again. I’ll “forgive” Him. Can we forgive, God? haha I may not know why he didn’t let us keep these babies, but I just have to trust that he has bigger plans for us. I guess this is making our story richer. I would rather my story end here that we could tell the world and rejoice that we’re still pregnant with twins, but for whatever reason, this wasn’t our time.

I am working on trusting that God has our story written and we just have to let it go to Him and follow the path he lead us down. I don’t get it now, I don’t know if I ever will, but right now, I’m hurting. I’ll make it through, we both will, it will just take time.

Pray for us!

Galatians 6:9 For In Due Time

Time! In due time! What does that even mean? It’s hard when you hear someone say, “it’ll happen for you, in due time”. Well I feel like my time IS due. It should be here. I, of course, am referring to motherhood and pregnancy. I have been in a 7+year wait for my miracles and have been so close twice. I am in another wait and feel like my “due time” could be very very soon.

Let’s break apart Galatians 6:9. It reads: let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  If we do not give up is an important part to remember.  I have been at that point. I’ve wanted to give up. I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle. After our 2nd loss from our first FET cycle, I was in tears, heartbroken, falling into my husband’s arms, saying, “I don’t know how much more I can handle. I don’t know if I can keep doing this.” He then says to me, “It’s not over! We still have embryos. Don’t give up!” Simple as that “don’t give up!” My husband was hurting as well, but God love him, he has been so strong and so patient! To me, though, even in the midst of his grief, he was telling me that he believed our due time was coming, just not at that moment.

When will my time come? I don’t know. I hope it’s sooner rather than later, but all I know is that I cannot give up. I have to give it my all. I have to know that at the end of the day, I did all I could to glorify the Lord and follow his commands. He says it right there, that let us not grow weary in doing good. Keep doing, keep being good. The more good we put into the world, the more good we will receive back. I am a firm believer in what you put out, you get back. If you’re negative all the time and being nasty then you cannot be surprised when people are being rude and negative towards you. If you’re happy and loving towards others, you will be surprised at the amount of love and happiness you will receive back. That’s what God is saying. Don’t get tired of being and doing good. That’s what he commands us to do. That’s what we should do to just be decent human beings. It can get tiring being good and nice to others and it’s not reciprocated, but if we keep it up and keep going then IN DUE TIME, we will reap a harvest! My harvest is babies. I am not giving up on my baby. I am not giving up on my TTC sisters, I am not giving up on the infertility community and remaining an advocate, I am not giving up on God and his plans for me. I am praying for others and doing what I can to spread love and encouragement to those walking the same path as me.

As hard as this wait may be, I can take comfort in knowing that my due time is coming, it’s been promised to me. And knowing what I know about God, he won’t give up on me!

In The Wait

 

20170822_114508-1Here it is. The wait! The dreaded 2-week wait. Well, for IVF, it’s more of a 10-day wait, but it still seems forever long. This is my 3rd time in this 10-day wait. We had our second frozen embryo transfer today. Two beautiful embryos were transferred into me and now we just wait. I’ve been waiting for a baby or babies for well over 7 years, so why is this any different? It could be that I’m so close. I’ve been this close before. I’ve gotten my BFP, but my BFPs have ended in a BFL (big fat loss). But I got thinking, how many times do we wait in our life? Daily, right? We wait at red lights when we’re in a hurry. Waiting on our dinner at a restaurant when we’re starving. Waiting for your husband to get ready so you can get out of the house. How do we get through these without just getting so frustrated? It’s hard!

When you’re waiting on a baby, it’s hard. You see others around you announcing their baby bumps and birth announcements. You’re so excited for them, because you know that desire. You know what the heart feels like when it longs for something, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve waited 7 years, 2 months, 16 days roughly for my baby. I’ve had more 2 week waits than I’d like to even think about. I’ve gone to countless baby showers, held numerous babies and celebrated pregnancy announcements! Pregnancy is a miracle from Heaven no matter how it is achieved. Why is it so hard though, when you’re in the wait? I think it’s because we’re told we could possibly not have a baby naturally. It’ll never happen for us. It’s a one in one million shot! But you know what’s not a long shot? God! And his grace! Psalm 37:4 says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart!” Delight yourself in the Lord. Press into Him. Read his word. Pray to him. Let him know that you’re there and ready to take his lead.

I am not looking forward to this wait. September 1 cannot come quick enough. Even more so, my 2nd beta the next week. I’ve made it to the first test just fine, it’s always that 2nd one. So, I am saying that my official pregnancy test is not until the week of Labor Day when we will confirm what we find out on the first. What will I do until then? Ask the Lord for peace, comfort, contentment, and joy! I already live a great life and so many wonderful distractions. When the enemy invades my thoughts all I have to do is ward him off with the name of Jesus and joy will be in my heart.

I know that this post may not have had a lot of new information in it. It was  way for me to tell you all where we are and that now we’re waiting. So let’s pray, pray and pray harder for the desires of our hearts to come to fruition!

{3-2-1} 3rd round; 2 tiny embryos; 1 expectant mama-in-the-making!

Our Fertility Update

I have not delved hardcore into our fertility story on this blog yet, but have touched on a few things from the past few  months. As mentioned in previous posts, we have undergone a fresh IVF cycle that ended in loss and a frozen cycle that also ended in loss. that’s been a few months. Our last loss was in May. We are now ready to move on.

I’ve had some tests done over the last few months where we found out that I have one copy of MTHFR, which is a gene mutation, in which I am on an over-the-counter supplement for. I also had a hysterscope that found a few fibroids and some polyps which were removed during that procedure.

All in all, things are going well. I feel great physically. I am in a good place emotionally. We are set and ready for our next frozen cycle. I’ve had  my baseline ultrasound and have even started my estrogen oral medication. I start PIO again on Thursday. Never thought I’d be so happy to start that medication again!

So, now here I sit. Writing to you all. One week still away from our next transfer and it’s hard to not let my thoughts wonder. What if the same thing happens this time? Why would it magically work this time and it didn’t the last two times? But then I stop and realize that I serve the Lord. He’s got me! Why would he continue to have me go through heartache? That’s not what he wants for any of his children. I am pressing into him hard. Praying the prayers that seem selfish, but they’re not because they’re the desires of my heart. He promises to grant us our heart’s desires, and this is mine. There is no reason to think that this won’t happen for us this time. My God is bigger than my fears and bigger than the enemy. When the enemy brings those negative thoughts to my head, I look up, up to the Lord, my creator, my healer and know that he is the one that will renounce any negativity in my life and only bring joy and peace over me.

Over this next week, I have things to look forward to and little embryos to pray for. They’re my kids, my babies, the ones that God has created in His image. It may not be the traditional way that most people make babies, but they’re real and they’re mine! I cannot wait to hold them and love on them forever.

Healthy Attitude in the Midst of Waiting

We are all always waiting for something, aren’t we? Whether it be a new job, the approval for a home loan, a special vacation, or, for me, a baby! I have been waiting for a baby for over 7 years. I have endured much in my wait, impatience, heartbreak, hope, renewed hope, joy, excitement, financial strain, and so much more. Waiting is hard and it can be gruesome.

As mentioned before, we have gone through IVF which ended up in miscarriage. We did a frozen embryo transfer, which also ended up in miscarriage. Two “sure fire” things that gave us 80% chance of getting and staying pregnant. A dream we’ve had for so long, ripped and taken away from us. Still waiting.

I got the title of this from something a friend said to me last week. We were texting about her recent pregnancy loss and some of the emotional struggles she is dealing with. She has a 2-year-old son who she is so grateful to have, but her desire for more children is still there. She texts me, “but you and Rob have gone through so much more”. I reassured her that her feelings still mattered and that whether we’ve gone through “more” or less, it doesn’t matter, we’ve still both dealt with waiting and pregnancy loss and I know that my babies are still coming. Her very next text to me was, “you have a very healthy attitude!” That was an interesting way to put it, but it’s so true. My response to her was that I had no choice but to have a healthy attitude. This healthy attitude breeds joy. It helps me to continue to enjoy the things I’ve always enjoyed in my wait. It’s helped me to know that my miracle is still coming. The enemy wants me to be sad and defeated and completely torn up about this. He wants me to continue to mourn over my losses and he wants to constantly remind me of those losses. We are transitioning into our next transfer and are so blessed and grateful for that. Why would we want to muddy that up with thoughts of what happened in the past?

So those words, “healthy attitude”, continue to stick out to me and it’s something that I strive to continue to have through this process. Having my eyes fixed up on the Lord while I walk the path before me is the only way I will get through this continued wait and know that my desire is waiting for me on that road somewhere. It’s been a long road, but it keeps going. It is endless. So as long as the Lord keeps leading me to my baby, I’ll keep following.

Keep that healthy attitude no matter how much stress your wait may be causing you. It will help you find joy in the wait and will bring you so much peace that the days of the wait will just tick away and your end result will be yours!

Am I Mad at God?

Just reading this title, I am sure you all are probably thinking that this is going to be related to our fertility. Actually, it is not. I mean, I guess it is, but not in today’s reference. I hate saying that sometimes I am mad at God, but it’s true. I am sure we have all gone through that. Someone told me once that your relationship with God is just like any other relationship? Have you been mad at your spouse? Yes. Have you been mad at your mom? Yes. Have you gotten over it and moved on? Yes. Same goes with God. It’s ok to be mad at him. He’s a big boy, he can handle it. The thing is, you just can’t stay mad at him.

My husband has been having  a hard time coming upstairs to bed. He always falls asleep on the couch and I get angry when I wake up in the middle of the night and he is not upstairs with me.  And as to not air my husband’s dirty laundry, I’ll leave it at this. I pray. I pray. I pray to God to help him remember to come upstairs when he feels tired.

Last night, I was angry with God. I was angry that this happens all the time. I was angry. God, I am asking…why am I not receiving? I am seeking you and your guidance….why am I not seeing good resolve?

As I attempted to fall back asleep and upon waking up this morning, I had the lyrics to the song by Hillsong in my head called “Oceans”: Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. That part just kept playing over and over. I always wake up with some random song in my head that I am sure is attributed to a dream I had the night before or maybe a song I heard right before bedtime, but I couldn’t figure this one out. We hadn’t sang it at church in a while. It is on my playlist but not one that I have listened to recently. Then I had to take a step back and look at those lyrics….spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  That’s it! Trust without borders. Our trust for and in God should be limitless. It should be more than I think I can ever give. I should just walk through life and just know that God has got me, so I don’t even have to worry about anything. That’s what I needed. Was that song, that part of that song in my head coincidentally? Probably not. I think that was God saying, Linds…follow the spirit. Ask it to lead you. You will see that my trust is limitless and that it’s always there.

I know that it’s hard to remember this when our prayers don’t get answered at the exact second we pray them or when we want them to, but it’s important to remember that God hears them and remembers them. Can you imagine the number of people praying all day every day? That’s a lot of prayers that God has to tend to. Is one more  important than the other? Not to God, they’re not. He is the one who decides what we get and when we get it.

So, even though it may be a work in progress for my husband and our communication when it comes to his sleeping patterns, I know that God is working behind-the-scenes to make sure this prayer is answered and that our demons are cast aside.

Three Month Blogiversary

It may seem a bit weird that I am acknowledging my 3 month anniversary of blogging, but I am! I started and wrote my very first post on May 1, 2017. A friend of mine told me to write for a few months just to get some good and usable content and then tell the world about it. I’m a bit nervous to release this to others, but at the same time I am excited. I feel like I have written some good stuff. Some lifestyle, some faith, some fertility. It’s my heart. I know that not everyone will read this, and not everyone will even like this, but part of being a blogger is being able to be vulnerable and being able to put it all out there for the world to see.

I had this idea in my head that I wanted my blog to look a certain way before I showed it off. I wanted it to just say joy-awaits.com, no wordpress after it. I wanted it to be organized and nice looking, but this is real life. The free layouts for now. I don’t know what my blog will look like in the future, but I know that God will allow this blog to reach others in a way that it needs to be reached. He will allow it to be read and fall onto eyes that need to see it.

So, please pray for me as I prepare to “launch” it this week! I am praying it gets some positive feedback and that it begins to grow! I know it’s a process, but I trust God to be in this process and take this blog to wherever he feels it should go!

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