I am a person who is fairly organized. I make lists and sometimes even make lists of lists. I am being serious. Before I traveled to Dallas last month I wanted to make a list of things to pack, so I put on my to-do list “make Dallas packing list”. So, if that’s not OCD, I don’t know what is. If you came to my house, though, you may not think I’m so organized. I am a work in progress as I have recently been purging my house. I did not get a chance to have a yard sale this past summer, so rather than having the stuff pile up, I am donating, which I am totally OK with. But it’s amazing how much stuff one can accumulate. Anyhow, it’s a goal of mine to become very organized and have baskets and drawers for everything, shred old papers and bills and just make a place for everything in my home. Sometimes, having a lot of clutter can cause me to be overwhelmed and stuff just all gets piled in a closet or behind a chair as an out-of-sight-out-of-mind mentality. But this clutter in your home is easy to fix, but what about the clutter in your mind? That’s where I am now. It’s not bad clutter, but just a lot of stuff. How do you organize your thoughts?
Let me explain this a bit. I recently had a huge blood draw to try to determine the reason for my miscarriage and prior to that, my two chemical pregnancies. Recurrent loss is not a good thing and obviously we wanted to try to find out. So, in October, I had a blood draw that included the nurse taking 24 vials of blood. This was to test for any blood clotting disorders and NK cells. Well it was determined after a few weeks that I do have a blood clotting disorder called PAI 1, which means I now have to add an aspirin regimen and another shot (Lovenox or Heparin). It was also determined that I do have a mutation of the natural killer cells and have to take Prednisone for the first trimester of my pregnancy. All this and there is another medication being added to my FET protocol. That’s overwhelming to take all of this new medication on top of all of the other FET medication. It’s scary to think of having to try to remember to take it all and to remember when and what time’s of the day to take it. The organizational part of me is trying to come up with some kind of a chart or app to track it all, then I get overwhelmed trying to come up with something that’s simple!
But then I realized, God’s already got this. Pslams 55:22 (NIV) says: cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. That gives me so much relief. Cast your cares on the Lord! Yes, Lord….take this burden from me and help me to feel peace during this process. The righteous will not be shaken. I will not be shaken. God will provide me a peace and calm in this season. He will take my burden of feeling overwhelmed and anxious and carry it for me. He will allow me to take my medications and stay organized and allow all to go well because that’s what he does. He does not want us to be burdened. He does not want us to be anxious. He wants us to be peaceful and live with joy!
So, all this to say, it will be OK. I will be OK! This is just a step we are taking to try to have a baby all while allowing God to lead us. We know that God has the ultimate decision in this, so whether I remember to take the medications at the right times or they work or don’t work, God will be the one who determines if they do. He has final say over my body and my womb, and because of that, I will not be shaken!
Praise you, Lord!