A few months back, I wrote a letter to the embryos we lost in our 2nd chemical pregnancy. I thought that was so hard. It was. I will not devalue the feelings we had, but I still held hope. This loss we experienced last week has been by far THE hardest thing I have ever faced. Living, heart beating babies, in my womb, that I couldn’t keep. So, here are my thoughts to my babies, and I pray that God allows them to hear and understand these words.
Dear Precious Angels:
To my twin Tanks. That’s what were going to call you while you were in Mommy’s belly. We were going to refer to you as the #TwinTanks as a cute little way to identify you. We don’t know yet if you were boys or girls, I am not sure if we will ever know that information. Mommy had genetics testing done after the doctors removed you from my womb last week. That test could tell us your genders, however, no matter what your genders were, please know that Mommy and Daddy loved and still do love you so much. We only had you for a short time, but we were already so in love. Mommy held you in her womb for a few short weeks. We heard your heart beats. They were nice and strong, beating healthy! You made Mommy feel sick a few times, but I was ok with that. It made me know that you were in there and were healthy and growing. Mommy and Daddy talked about all the things we wanted to do. How we wanted to set up your nursery, how we would announce you were arriving to our families and friends, what we would name you and all of the fun things we would do with you when you were born. Precious angels, we wanted you more than you will ever know. We have been trying to become a mommy and daddy for over 7 years. You may not have a concept of how long that is in heaven, but on earth, that is a long time. You have some embryo siblings that we believe went to heaven. They weren’t meant to become babies in Mommy’s belly, so they went straight to heaven. If you see them, please hug them and get to know them.
Angels, please know that we will never forget you! Of course we will still try to work on giving you an earthly sibling, and we trust that you will watch over us as we go through that process. Help us to always remember you and to give honor to you. You would have been due around April 18 since you were twins. That is a day we will honor and remember always! September 25, 2017 is the day we were told that you had lost your lives. I apologize, sweethearts, if you suffered at all. I never wanted you to be hurting or grasping for breath. Mommy would never do anything to have intentionally hurt you. I hope you were happy and warm while you were with us and I hope that I made a good home for you in your short little lives.
Mommy and Daddy are grieving hard right now. We never thought we would lose you. We were overjoyed when we found out you were finally coming and to have two of you was even a bigger blessing. We thought our wait was finally over. That our day to become parents was finally here. But God had other plans. I guess he needed and wanted you more than we did. I am not sure if that is true as we wanted you SO badly! I am not sure if God was protecting us because one or both of you would have been sick or had another issue, but please know, that we would have loved you so much, no matter how you would have come to us. We never got to hold you or see you, but we imagined you two. We dreamed of what you would look like and what kind of personality you would have. We may never know that, but we can imagine you being that way in heaven.
So, sweet babes, please look over us as we continue to grieve. Help us to remember to always be happy and joyful and to not always be sad over you, but to celebrate the short life you had. Please be with us as we work on getting our earthly baby and your earthly sibling. And I ask that when that earthly baby comes, you please watch over them as well and help us to always talk with them about you two so that they can honor you as well. You two don’t have names, maybe that’s something we’ll give you later, if not, you’ll forever be known as the #TankTwins. We will make sure your legacy lives on and to make sure that we never forget you. I don’t want an anniversary to go by without us acknowleding you. I am not sure what that will look like yet, but all I know is that you will be honored and never forgotten.
Snuggle up there in heaven and enjoy your time with the Lord. We will meet again someday. Until then, get to know your great grandmothers, your Grandpa Tank and all other family members that went to heaven. We love you and miss you so much, sweet babies. I will never forget you.
In my heart always,
Your mother forever!