I was at another loss as to what to write about. I feel like I have several things I want to say, but it’s all just jumbled up in my head. I have a small journal I kept during my IVF cycle with timeline, Bible verses, etc. along with some other things. I also have in it a bunch of potential titles for this blog. When I finally decided on Joy Awaits, I figured I would hang onto those titles to see if they would spark a blog post in the future. So glad I did. As I was going through this journal I see a letter that I wrote on May 1, 2017. The day I started this blog. It was a letter to the embryos that were just transferred into me. It was a letter asking them to please stay in my womb and that Mommy would take care of them and keep them safe for the next nine months. Unfortunately, as I wrote in the past, those embryos did not survive and I lost my short pregnancy. I had to relive it all over again. I am now in tears and trying to keep them from pouring down my face while at work.
I’m kind of mad at myself for stopping to read it. As soon as I saw the title at the top of the page I should have kept turning, but I was drawn to it. I read it, tears filling my eyes. Those were my real emotions and thoughts at that time, on that day. I am so sad that we couldn’t keep any of the 3 babies we’ve lost. I’m sad that we haven’t been able to try again since then. I’m sad that we have to start all the way over with raising funds. But what I am happy about? That I still have 5 frozen embryos so the amount of money we need seems manageable. I’m happy that I do still have chances and that all is not lost. I am happy that my little poppy seed sized babies are living with God because that is where I believe they went when they left my body. I am happy that I have taken and continue to take measures to make sure I can maintain a happy and healthy pregnancy.
So, I ask as per my title today, how long, O Lord? I don’t know how long. It has been 7 long years of wanting a baby. We were so close both times and we lost it. When will I ever experience pregnancy to it’s fullest? When will I be able to hold MY baby in my arms? How long, God? Only he knows that, not I. I wish I did? I sometimes wish I could even just ask..is this even going to happen for us? I know that I may not like the answer but at least I’d know to stop spinning my wheels. Or can you at least give me a timeline, Lord? Will it be another 2 years? If so, then I’m just going to stop obsessing over it and then prepare myself for that event. But these are questions that we are not meant to know. God wants us to press into him harder and even more. He wants us to fully trust him and to believe him and his promises. It sucks waiting this long. It sucks not knowing. It sucks spending all this money for a possibility. But what doesn’t suck is my God. My God is bigger than any mountain that stands in my way. I just need to remember to command my mountain to move and let God be seen!
How long, O Lord? I don’t know. But I’ll be right here waiting!