Reflecting on 2017

Hey friends.

I love blogging, even though you’d never know with how little I’ve posted these last couple of months. I have big dreams and goals for 2018 not only for this blog, but also for my life in general.

I wanted to post today, on this last day of 2017, to reflect back on the year and just reminisce on a year that was full of some heartache, however, still amazingly wonderful at the same time.

Life does that sometimes, it knocks you down, and sometimes beats you while you’re down there, but you don’t have to stay down there. You have the ability to choose how you handle all situations. 2017 was the year that we finally achieved our financial goal to do a fresh IVF cycle. We were so expectant and believing that it would work, and unfortunately it ended in a chemical pregnancy.  We were devastated and heartbroken, but grateful that we had gotten a discount, so we had money leftover to be able to do a frozen transfer cycle the next month. Again, lots of expectations and excitement. During this time also, we had to put down our beloved cat who had been super sick. She was one of our first babies and we loved her so. This was a hard thing to do while in the middle of our two week wait. Again, I landed pregnant, but it again ended in a chemical. How much more can our hearts take?

The summer brought on our 9-year wedding anniversary which was absolutely amazing, but it was also full of bloodwork, and a surgery and lots of running and training for Rob. August was our 3rd transfer and again..I was pregnant! We made it to the point where we could hear the heartbeat…actually two heartbeats. Grateful and happy were understatements as nothing could compare to the joy we found in our hearts. However, this pregnancy ended just under eight weeks in a miscarriage of both twins. A D&C one week before my birthday is not really ideal.

Even though we’ve had heartache and gone through some of the hardest moments of our lives, we have had some great ones. We celebrated 9 years of marriage in June. I went to Dallas in October for the Moms in the Making conference. Rob ran his first marathon which allowed us to take a vacation to Washington D.C. and I was selected to be a leader for a MITM group here in Cincinnati. This is just a few of the amazing things that happened this year.

One thing I do know is that through the hardships and downfalls and even the good things….my God and Savior was with me. He was always faithful and helped me through these trying times. I am grateful for the experiences and for who I have become in these trying times.

I would never say that 2017 was a bad year because that makes it sound as if my life is bad. I don’t take things for granted. I appreciate everyday I have and am not one to wish my life away.  You’ll never hear me say “I’m glad this year is over.” or “Man..I’m ready for the next year!” Be happy with the life you’ve given. Good and bad things happen, but how you handle them and work through them is what determines what kind of a person you are.

Joy awaits in 2018 and I am ready to embrace it!

6-Month Blogiversary

Hey friends! It’s been a while since I wrote. I wanted to be more consistent. I even bought a home computer so I could be, but life has been crazy and unfortunately, this blog has not been high on my priority list, but that is going to change. My goal is to post at least two to three times a week. I want to keep up with faith and fertility posts, but will also post about life, travel/trips, fashion, etc.

So, today is my 6 month blog anniversary or as I am loosely calling it “blogiversary”! My first post was written on May 1, 2017! A LOT has happened since then and I want to catch you all up, but this is not the post for that as I don’t want to make these really long. That’s another blogging goal of mine, is to try to get my point across and say what I need to say in as short of a post as possible. I don’t want anybody to get bored!

Right now, I have not advertised my blog to my social media bloggers. Someone told me to write for 6 months to a year and get some good, usable content and then advertise. Plus, she wanted to make sure this is something I’d like to do! Well I do like it! I love it. I’ve always loved to journal. Even though I still journal some things that are more private to me, the things I CAN share, I will through this portal. Blogging goal #3 is to get this blog set up to a paid site and looking all nice very soon so that when I do advertise, people have something nice and fun to look at.

So, to anyone reading this, a new follower, or an old…thank you! I know that blogging is a serious job and I want to take it seriously. I want to put out content that people will actually read, but also relate to and can get something from. My goal is to inspire you, but to also be real and honest with the nitty gritty things and make sure I am being 100% authentic so that you know you have a friend behind the screen!

As I pray over this blog and start to imagine what I want to get from it, I will share my goals and aspirations of blogging with you so you can all cheer me on as well as hold me accountable!

Happy Blogiversary to myself and to any other bloggers out there!

Three Month Blogiversary

It may seem a bit weird that I am acknowledging my 3 month anniversary of blogging, but I am! I started and wrote my very first post on May 1, 2017. A friend of mine told me to write for a few months just to get some good and usable content and then tell the world about it. I’m a bit nervous to release this to others, but at the same time I am excited. I feel like I have written some good stuff. Some lifestyle, some faith, some fertility. It’s my heart. I know that not everyone will read this, and not everyone will even like this, but part of being a blogger is being able to be vulnerable and being able to put it all out there for the world to see.

I had this idea in my head that I wanted my blog to look a certain way before I showed it off. I wanted it to just say joy-awaits.com, no wordpress after it. I wanted it to be organized and nice looking, but this is real life. The free layouts for now. I don’t know what my blog will look like in the future, but I know that God will allow this blog to reach others in a way that it needs to be reached. He will allow it to be read and fall onto eyes that need to see it.

So, please pray for me as I prepare to “launch” it this week! I am praying it gets some positive feedback and that it begins to grow! I know it’s a process, but I trust God to be in this process and take this blog to wherever he feels it should go!

Our 9th Anniversary Celebration

Yesterday, June 6, Rob and I celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary. We have alwats taken the day off and either went on a mini vacation or did something around town. This year, we stayed in town with our anniversary being on a Tuesday and my surgery today. (Look for Friday’s post with more info on this.)

It was a gorgeous day. Started off at around 68° and ended up getting up into the upper 70s with sun shining! Thr perfect day!

We began the day with a late breakfast at our favorite brunch place, Wild Eggs! It’s amazing! I indulged in a bellini with my meal and Rob a Proud Mary (bloody Mary).

I had what’s called the Surfer Girl and I added a side of crispy bacon. So good!

Then we spent the day at The Beach Waterpark! I faced some of my fears and went down a couple water slides! We also relaxed in the lazy river, played in the wave pool, and laid in the sun sipping some yummy drinks!!

They have quite a big drink selection from draft beers to fruity daiquiris!

It startes off kind of chilly and we thought we had made a mistake, but it ended up getting warm and the water felt great!

It was such a fun day here that we’re even talkimg about getting season passes nexr year, haha!

I had a huge headacge that evening from being our in the sun and heat all day. This kind of put a damper on our night but we stil got dressed up and ventured out to dinner at Marker Street Grille! Rob was so patient with me as I sat there feeling bad. But all-in-all, it was a fabulous day of celebration!

Rob and Lindsay

Dating: 3/5/06

Engaged: 10/6/07

Married: 6/6/08

A Little About Me…

So I realized that I never really introduced myself or really talked much about myself. So I thought it fun to do a question and answer kind of thing with some fun and thought-provoking questions. I am interviewing myself, so if it reads funny, that’s why! 😉

1. What are some of my favorite things to do?

Shop! I love to shop even though I don’t always have the funds to do so. My favorite store is Clothes Mentor! 

I also love go to baseball games, wineries, watch movies, bake, organize, read, journal and now blog! 

2. Where are some of your favorite places in Cincinnati? 

Great American Ballpark! I love baseball and especially the Reds, I feel like GABP is my “happy place”. I also love the Cincinnati Zoo! 

3. What are some of your most favorite things?:

This is quite a list, so here goes: giraffes, butterflies, books/reading, journals, all things pineapple, pictures, running, zumba, baking, lip balm, lip gloss, jewelry, shoes, crafts, wine, coffee with lots of creamer, all things purple, pumpkin everything! 

4. Where do I see myself in five years? 

Well for starters, as a mother. I am believing for my miracle babies and I know they are coming to me, so definitely a mother. A  real blogger and maybe even running my own infertility awareness organization. Also, maybe a published author, or at least in the process of writing/publishing a book. 

5. How do you want to be remembered?

I want to be remembered for having a big heart and loving everybody. For always giving it my all and working hard. I want people to remember me as a memory-maker and always snapping pictures so that I can also be remembered that way. Just for being a good person, a leader, a follower of Christ, and a great wife. 

6. What is your biggest dream or goal?

Besides becoming a mother it would be to start my own infertility awareness organization right here in Cincinnati. I want to provide seminars and classes, resources, materials, guidance, support, and financial assistance if need be to people of our community struggling the same way we have. 

7. Facebook or Instagram?:

THE GRAM!! 100%. I am a picture taker and love capturing memories, even the simplest of things and Instagram is a great way to do that and keep all your pictures in one place. Plus I feel like it’s not as negative. It’s hard to post a negative picture, at least among the people I follow! 

8. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would say, my sensitivity and control. I am sensitive to so many things. As I have gotten older, I have been able to stand up for myself more and not get as easily offended or upset, but when things are going wrong, I tend to let every little detail bother me to tears. Also, I have to have control of everything and have a plan in place. This is something I am working on, but if I could just magically make it change to where I was more low key and laid back more often, I would! 

9. If you could only take three items to a deserted island, what would they be? 

#1: My cell phone. Not just to keep up with people, but also to take pictures, read blogs, have my sound machine app and listen to music. I have unlimited data so no wifi required! 😉 Plus, I get lonely easily and would HAVE to text somebody! 

#2: My Bible! I have not fully delved into my Bible like I would have, but I have a feeling that I would have plenty of time and would learn so much! 

#3: My pink and purple butterfly blanket and my pillow! Just to be cozy and comfortable with something of my own that relaxes me! 

10. What motivates you to succeed?

Others. I see other people succeeding. People who are at the same level I am in life, age, race, etc. and that gives me drive to want to do well also. Another thing that motivates me to succeed is the Lord above! He puts dreams and goals on my heart, which means he wants me to pursue them, or at least try! The absolute least I can do is go after it. I don’t want to let God down. He makes me promises and doesn’t let me down, so I can’t do it to him. When I pray about something on my heart. It fires me up and makes me feel so ready to go after it! 

I hope you all enjoyed this first edition of getting to know me. I want to do more of these over the next few months. Even if you’re reading this a year after I posted it, you still may not know a lot about me, and these 10 questions don’t even cover half of it! 🙂

Thanks for digging a bit deeper into my life! Until next time….go find joy! It’s out there!

Weekend Recap

I am sure you are wondering why I am doing a weekend recap on a Wednesday. By now, last weekend is a memory and people are looking ahead to this next weekend. Well not for me. For me, it’s a bit different. Last weekend was Mother’s Day, a day I thought I was going to get to celebrate this year because I’d have a life (or two) growing inside me. But that was not the case as I previously wrote about. I decided that I wasn’t going to let Mother’s Day or the entire weekend get to me. I am still a mother at heart, I have mothered several other children by taking care of them, babysitting, rocking them when they’re sick or sleepy and even by working in a daycare.

So, I decided that this was not going to be something I was going to look back at with sad memories. I want to look back at this Mother’s Day as one of happiness and joy. I want to tell my future children about our story and our struggle and that Mommy lost three babies, one of them being right before Mother’s Day. It’s part of our story, it’s part of our life, it’s part of what will make us parents. So, rather than moping and feeling sorry for myself, this is what I did.

Friday:

This was my first full day back to work as I had taken some time off and worked from home. It was a tough day as I was still very emotional. It wasn’t until I got home that I had received two gifts in the mail. Our friends, Nate and Katie sent us a dozen cookies from Insomnia Cookies with a lovely note. And my friends, Rebekah and Vicky got together and sent me a Willow Tree person that represented “Remembrance”. Remembrance of my sweet angel babies on Mother’s Day. These gifts meant the world to me, to us. To have friends that see our struggles and heartache and spend their money and time to send us love, is more than what we can even ask for. I have a huge support system at my church and within the TTC Instagram community.

Saturday:

I ran the Redlegs Run 5K. Rob did the 10K. This is my favorite race of the year. I am such a big baseball girl and I love that this one finishes on the warning track of the field. I did a run/walk. Due to my IVF and FET cycles , I have been limited on my exercising and have only been able to walk. I figured I’d try to do some running and I did about half and half. It felt so good to be able to run again, even if it was just for a short time and was very slow!

On Saturday evening we spent some time at Rob’s running friend’s place, having food and just hanging out together.

When we got home, I had a sweet surprise waiting on my doorstep from my friends, Andy and Amelia:

 

Sunday: Mother’s Day

Sunday started off like any other Sunday.  Volunteered in the nursery then went to service. I did great. I felt great. Until our minister, Tim, came to hug me during the greeting. He gave me a huge hug and started to speak life into me. I was bawling. I couldn’t stop crying the entire service. Of course our speaking minister talked about Mother’s Day, of course we had baby dedication.  I went to prove to myself that I was ok. And since we didn’t tell many people about FET, we didn’t need to tell many people about our miscarriage either. But I think people knew at that moment that something wasn’t right. If I were pregnant, I wouldn’t be crying like that.

I had so many people giving me hugs and support that I started to feel better.

We went home and decided it was too beautiful of a day to waste so we, Rob and I, spent time together. My mother is 3 hours away and his was not feeling well, so we were on our own.

First we went to Vinoklet Winery and split a bottle of wine and sat in the vineyard. It is so beautiful and peaceful there. They also had a mini festival going on with all sorts of booths set up, so we did some shopping. This is one of the things we bought:

After Vinoklet, I had a Sephora gift card that was burning a hole in my pocket so Rob took me shopping to Kenwood Towne Centre. It was great. We found some great deals at Bath and Body Works:

And I even got to spend my Sephora card:

We even stopped at Gigi’s Cupcakes to get ourselves a treat!

Sunday ended with us making dinner at home with some more wine and just watching T.V. It wasn’t exactly how I thought I’d spend Mother’s Day, but it was still a great day! I am blessed to be able to experience these days and celebrate it with others. I am also so grateful for the time spent with Rob and the things we got to do that day!

Joy was found even in my grief!

Saying Goodbye

 

Writing this post comes very hard for me. Just two days ago, Wednesday, May 3, we had to lay to rest our precious cat, Malibu. It was such a hard decision for us to make but we know it was the right one. 

For about 10 months she has been sick off and on, vomiting a lot. We took her to a new vet last August. The vet could not find anything physically wrong with her so took some blood work and Xrays to determine what was wrong. Everything was coming back normal. She was put on Prednisone and a specialty food, and that cleared things up pretty quickly.  She had more spring in her step, was eating and not vomiting. 

Over the next few months and into the holidays we went back and forth to the vet and kept getting more Prednisone off and on and that seemed to work. Since the new year, she was continuing to lose weight and would still vomit on and off, but nothing else seemed to be wrong. About 2 1/2 weeks ago we took her back in since she was losing weight still and continuing to vomit. More blood work was taken and we were given another 2 week dose of Prednisone. Malibu wasn’t as into the medication as she was before. She used to take it with ease but she was not this time around. It took a bit of coaxing! At that appointment, she weighed about 3.2 pounds. This was a dramatic drop as she came in around 8 or 9 pounds. This was over the course of a few months. We took her in for her 2 week follow up. She had gone up in weight to 3.8 pounds, but was still very lethargic, not really eating, wasn’t responding to the medication. The vet said that dreaded sentence, “we may have to consider euthanasia”. She asked if we wanted to do it right then and there. It caught us off guard so we asked if we could possibly do something that day that would keep her with us a bit longer. The vet gave her another load of fluids (as she was very dehydrated), a B12 shot, and some other things. She then scheduled us to come in every couple days to have those same shot be administered. 

From Saturday to Wednesday, she was not acting like herself. Saturday night and part of Sunday she seemed to have some more life in her and was eating slightly. But otherwise she just laid there and didn’t budge. She couldn’t jump up on the couch anymore. She had stopped coming upstairs with us at night to go to sleep, as she didn’t have the energy to climb the stairs. She found a blanket on the floor and just snuggled there. When she would try to stand up she would fall over as if she was really achy and unsteady. We took her in on Tuesday for her next round of B12 and fluids and she eat that evening and walked around a bit more. But that was short lived as Wednesday came and she was just not herself. She was standing up, on her blanket, when we got home from work, but then quickly laid down. She used to run and greet us at the door. She has stopped moving all together. Not even moving to another area of the house. She found comfort on that blanket and and just stayed there. Rob and I got our snuggles in and laid with her. Rob went for a run. While he was gone, I laid on the floor with her gave her kisses and talked to her. Right before Rob came back Malibu was acting really weird. She had rolled over into a weird position and began moving all 4 of her legs as if she was running in place. She wasn’t making any sound as I think she was too weak to purr or cry.  I immediately texted Rob for him to get back home. He came home and was in tears as we called the vet to bring her in. I drove as Rob held her. We went in and they immediately took us to an exam room.  Dr. Monica came in and said that it was time for the euthanasia as her eyes “looked stroked out” meaning that she probably had a stroke when she was acting weird. 

The euthanasia did not take long. Rob watched as I stood behind him and comforted him. We were both devastated but he took it harder as he and Malibu were BFFs. He always grew up with cats and was so close with Malibu. She passed quickly and we were able to spend some time with her before they took her We chose cremation since we do not have a yard to bury her in. 

As devastated and heartbroken as we are, we rest easy knowing that God has taken her and has given her angel wings. We will meet you again, one day sweet girl, Malibu at the Rainbow Bridge. 

 

Malibu Tankersley

June 1, 2003-May 3, 2017